Surviving Domestic Violence

What is domestic violence?

2005-11-04T14:36:00.000-08:00

When domestic violence involves children, it can either be direct and intentional or indirect and accidental. If it is direct and intentional then it is considered to be a deliberate and willful act that has been carried out with the purpose of injuring the child. If it is indirect and accidental then the damage results when a child lives with family violence. In this case, the youth is not the target of the violence, but must live with the pain and suffering which results from such experiences. This is why the terms “domestic violence” and “family violence” are interchangeable.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
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"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Statistics from The National Crime Survey (conducted by the Department of Justice)

2005-10-27T01:42:00.000-07:00

This study has reported that: (1.) There are about 1.5 million cases of domestic violence involving children reported each year. (2.) There are another million unreported cases each year. (3.) Each year, between 2,000 - 5,000 children die each year because of domestic violence. (4.) Domestic violence involving children is more than doubling every decade. Of course, some of this huge growth can be attributed to increased reporting and better record keeping. Nevertheless, domestic violence against children is reaching epidemic proportions.

It is important to understand that these statistics only include those incidents in which children were the "direct" target of domestic violence. There are millions of other young people who endure the "indirect" results of family violence. Due to these experiences, these children can suffer from anxiety, depression, guilt and fear. These feelings can follow the child throughout his or her life and the effects can be devastating. For instance, many of these young people go on to commit domestic violence when they become parents.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
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"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

How to maintain your personal boundaries

2005-10-21T10:05:00.000-07:00

You need to ask directly for what you want as this shows others who you are.
You need to nurture yourself and your moral soundness (integrity) so that you create an inner, instinctive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become
hurtful, abusive or invasive.
You need to be objective about others' behavior toward you without getting caught in their drama.
You need to have a limit to how many times you allow someone to say no, lie, disappoint, or betray you before you will admit the painful reality and move on.
You need to stop completely trusting others and start to completely trust yourself. You cannot expect infallibility from another human being. Nevertheless, you still need to learn to have satisfying intimacy with other human beings.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
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"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Signs of unhealthy boundaries

2005-10-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

(1.) Telling all.
(2.) Speaking at an intimate level upon your first encounter with someone.
(3.) Falling in love with anyone who reaches out to you.
(4.) Being overwhelmed or preoccupied with a person.
(5.) cting upon your first sexual impulse.
(6.) Being sexual because your partner wants you to be, not because you want to be.
(7.) Going against your own personal values in order to please others.
(8.) Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate behavior or invades your personal boundaries.
(9.) Accepting food, gifts, touching, or sexual acts that you don't want.
(10.) Touching someone else intimately without them asking for it.
(11.) Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
(12.) Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.
(13.) Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
(14.) Letting others direct your life.
(15.) Letting others define who you are.
(16.) Believing that others can anticipate your needs.
(17.) Expecting others to automatically fill your needs.
(18.) Falling apart so that someone will take care of you.
(19.) Abusing yourself sexually, physically, or through food, chemicals or gambling.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
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"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Healthy Boundaries

2005-10-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries for you to create for yourself.

I will place specific conditions upon my willingness to enter into or remain in any relationship. I do this for my protection and for the benefit of the other person.

I would rather be alone than in a relationship, which undermines my good feelings about myself.

I will not love someone who is unable to love me in return.

I will not make, or accept, excuses for anyone in consideration of my real needs.

I will not give love to someone who has no love for themselves.

I accept, without any exceptions, that I am worthy to give and receive love, respect, and acceptance.

I have love and respect for myself regardless of what anyone else says about me.

I do not need everyone to love, accept, and respect me. While it would be nice if they did, regardless of their feelings, I will still have self-love and self-respect.

I accept that both my positive, and my negative, feelings are real and need honest, healthy expression.

I am responsible for the expression of my feelings.

I trust my feelings and have the ability to act upon them in an adult manner.

I will not enter into relationships that do not meet my healthy needs.

I will not expect others to be aware of my needs. Instead, I will accept the responsibility to communicate my needs to others.

I am willing to accept the consequences of my actions.

I will not lay blame for my own shortcomings upon another person.

I accept the fact that my feelings are one-sided and thus I'm also willing to accept the fact that you have the right to reject me for you own reasons.

I am willing to listen to your opinions of me, but I will not allow a lifetime of effort to build myself into a healthy person to be invalidated by your opinions.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
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"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Tips for setting boundaries

2005-10-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

Your feelings of anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened, "suffocated" or victimized serve as clues to boundaries which you will need to set. Whenever you see these clues, you should realize that you need to set a boundary or limit with someone. Whenever this is necessary, make sure that you set your boundaries clearly, without anger and in as few words as possible. You must realize that you may hurt, anger or disappoint the other person BUT you simply cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and take care of their feelings too. Of course this may cause you to feel shame or fear but you really must be prepared to follow through by acting according to the boundaries that you have set. You WILL be tested! That is why it is so important to have a good support system for yourself. All of this is going to take you some time, but when you're truly ready, you'll set the boundaries that you need for your life. Once you do it, you'll see how truly good it honestly feels though.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

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Examples of boundaries & their importance

2005-09-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Here are some examples of boundaries which you may wish to invest in:

(1.) "If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid, jerk, dumb, etc, I will confront your behavior and share my feelings with you. If you continue to call me names, I will take care of myself by leaving the room (or situation)."

(2.) "If you drink alcohol or use drugs in my presence, I will
confront the behavior and share my feelings with you. If you continue to use drugs or alcohol in my presence, then I will take care of myself by leaving or asking you to leave.

As you can see here, boundaries are proactive. However, they MUST be planned out before they are ever needed. This is a part of taking responsibility for yourself as an adult, and a part of saying "no" to those things which are no right for us. This is just a natural part of taking care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or whom we're with. They emerge from a deep sense of our personal rights, especially the right to be ourselves and take care of ourselves. You will learn more about your boundaries as you learn to listen to your own intuition, discover what you believe, learn what you want, need, like and dislike. This is also a matter of deciding about what you believe you deserve and don't deserve.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

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Setting boundaries

2005-09-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

Setting boundaries for yourself shows that you have enough respect for yourself to protect yourself from inappropriate behavior. Here are some guidelines to help you set boundaries for yourself:

(1.) You must first realize that the purpose of setting a boundary is to take care of you, to gain a sense of self, supply order, and allow feelings, thoughts and actions that are healthy. You have to be able to tell other people when they're acting in ways that are not acceptable to you.

(2.) When you have a sense of self, you'll be able to experience closeness and intimacy. You'll be able to love and to be loved in a healthy way. You'll respect and love yourself.

(3.) You MUST set limits that you can live with and consequences that you are willing to enforce.

(4.) You are not to set boundaries in order to manipulate others. Boundaries are not about power. They're about safety and self-respect.

(5.) There are many alternatives and options in setting boundaries. For instance, some boundaries may be more rigid than others.

(6.) You may be afraid to set boundaries to take care of yourself because you may fear abandonment. In this case you should really seek professional help.

With this being said, it is important to understand that boundaries should be: specific, reasonable, personal, enforceable, natural, and logical. This means that there should be NO: threatening, bluffing, violence, shouting, judging, or moralizing. Some of the types of boundaries that you'll need to create are physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

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Affirmations on some basic rights

2005-09-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

Here are some basic affirmations that you should be repeating to yourself.

Nobody has the right to know my mind.
Nobody has the right to know my business.
Nobody has the right to tell me what to think, feel or do.
I have the right to have my own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs.
What I share with others about matters that concern me is determined by what feels right to me, not what they want.
If people are abusive or disrespectful to me, I have a right to tell them so, to ask them to stop and to avoid them.
I don't have to be nice to people who are not nice to me.
I have a need and right to love and respect myself.
I have a need and right to stand up for myself.
I always have a right to express what I feel and think for myself, as long, as I don't try to tell others what is right for them.
I have a right to be who I am and to harmlessly live my own life regardless of whether others like it or not.
I don't have to feel guilty for not behaving, as others might want me to.
I don't have to feel guilty for not giving others what they expect from me.
I accept myself just as I am in the moment with whatever thoughts and feelings I have.
I accept my right to make mistakes. (If I didn't make mistakes I couldn't learn and grow.)
I accept my right to my imperfection and shortcomings and don't feel guilty for not being perfect.
I believe that I should treated others with love and respect. I should also expect others to treat me this way as well.
I believe that if I'm true to myself, and live by the highest truth that I know, things will turn out for the best in the long run.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

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Do you think that you're in an abusive relationship?

2005-09-07T20:43:00.000-07:00

Are you not sure? Then here are some descriptions to help you decide for yourself.

First of all, it's important to understand that abusers typically think that they're so unique that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Nevertheless, abusers have a lot in common with one another and share a great many thinking patterns and behaviors with each other. These may include:

Excuse Making: Instead of accepting responsibility for their actions, the abuser tries to justify their behavior with excuses.

Blaming: The abuser shifts responsibility for their actions to others. This allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior.

Redefining: The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others.

Success Fantasies: The abuser believes that they'd be rich, famous, or extremely successful if others weren't holding him back.

Lying: The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically.

Assuming: Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling.

Above The Rules: Abusers generally believe that they're better than other people and so they don't have to follow the same rules that ordinary people do.

Making Fools Of Others: The abuser combines tactics such as lying, upsetting the other person just to watch her reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others just to manipulate others. The abuser may also try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on her good side.

Fragmentation: The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior physically and psychologically separate from the rest of his life (only beating up people in his home and attending church where he looks gooe).

Minimizing: The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they really are.

Vagueness: Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility.

Anger: Abusive people aren't actually angrier than other people, they simply deliberately use their anger to control situations and people.

Power Plays: The abuser uses various tactics to overcome resistance to his bullying (ie walking out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouting).

Playing Victim: Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him.

Drama And Excitement: Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships and so they substitute drama and excitement for closeness. This is because they find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. They'll use a combination of tactics described earlier to set up and exciting situation.

Closed Channel: The abusive person doesn't really share their personal details and real feelings. They are also not open to new information about himself since he believes that he's right in all situations.

Ownership: The abuser typically is very possessive and believes that anything that is wanted should be owned, and once he owns it that he can do whatever he wants with it.

Self-Glorification: The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very virile. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Poor Anger Management: Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become domestic abusers because he sees violence as the primary method for settling differences and doesn't know any alternate ways to channel his anger.

Inability To Express Feelings With Words: This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may even feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable.

Emotional Dependence: Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse which causes them to have an inner rage. In order to compensate for this anger, the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness. One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. The abuser will spend a great deal of time monitoring their spouses activities and will lack supportive relationships. Oftentimes when the victim leaves the home, the abuser will make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.

Low Self-Esteem resulting in jealousy, depression and sensitivity to criticism.

Rigid Application Of Traditional Sex Attitudes: Abusive husbands often expect their wife to over fulfill all of the household and mothering chores and to be very submissive and subservient.

Alcohol And Drug Dependency: 67% of abusers frequently use alcohol and/or drugs in order to avoid responsibility for their actions.

Social Isolation: Those who isolate themselves from family, friends and people in the community don't have the resources to cope with the stress.

Protected From Consequences: A spouse will oftentimes protect the abuser from consequences when in reality the best thing to do is allow the abuser to learn that actions have consequences.

Pride Combined With Power: Pride + Power = Genuinely volatile results. This is because pride makes us think that we're right, and power gives us the ability to cram our vision of rightness down everyone else's throat. Combined, it is easy to reach the brink of demonic.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!

Why do women stay?

2005-08-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

Now that you've read the myths and facts of domestic violence, you may be left wondering why women stay in relationships that are violent. First of all, you must understand that sometimes it's dangerous for a woman to leave her abuser. Sometimes leaving can cause additional problems for the woman. This is especially true when and if the abuser has all of the economic and social status. Other women fear that leaving would mean losing child custody, losing financial support, and experiencing harassment at work. You must understand that when a woman is in a violent relationship, she may experience shame, embarrassment, and isolation. Here are some other simple, logical reasons why women don't leave their abusers.
(1.) Some women are afraid that the batterer will become more violent and harm her, even fatally, if she attempts to leave.
(2.) The woman's friends and family may not support her leaving.
(3.) The woman may be afraid of facing the difficulties of single parenting in reduced financial circumstances.
(4.) The woman may be facing a mix of good times, love and hope, along with the manipulation, intimidation, and fear.
(5.) The woman may not know about or have access to safety and support.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

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Effects of domestic violence on children

2005-08-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

More than 3.3 million children are exposed to physical and verbal spousal abuse each year. Exposure means seeing or hearing the actual abuse or dealing with the aftermath of the abuse. It is important to note that domestic violence and child abuse are often present in the same families. In fact, studies have shown that in in 60% to 75% of those homes wherein domestic violence occurs, children are physically abused and neglected at a rate 15 times higher than the national average. These children are also at a higher risk for sexual abuse. Of course the effects that the domestic violence has on children varies depending mainly upon a child's intellectual development and interpersonal skills. These children are also either extremely introverted or extremely extroverted. Of course they often have other emotional responses too (i.e. anger, rage, misery, guilt, intense terror, fear of dying, fear of the loss of a parent). Many of these children are forced to grow up faster than their peers, often taking on the responsibility of cooking, cleaning and caring for younger children. They're not allowed to have a real childhood because they're isolated. It is impossible for them to engage in typical activities (ie having friends over to their house) due to the chaotic atmosphere. Yet, their school performance isn't always obviously affected since some children may respond by being overachievers. With all of this in mind, here is what to look for...

Academic problems
Agitation - feeling "jumpy"
Aggression
Behavior problems
Clinginess to caregivers
Depression
Distractibility
Emotional numbing
Feeling scared
Feelings of guilt
Feelings of not belonging
Flashbacks
General emotional distress
Intrusive thoughts
Insomnia
Irritability
Low levels of empathy
Low self-esteem
Nightmares
Obsessive behaviors
Phobias
Poor problem-solving skills
PTSD
Revenge seeking
Social problems
Suicidal behaviors
Truancy
Withdrawal from activities
Alcohol abuse
Violence
Criminal behavior
Sexual problems
Substance abuse

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!

Ask, Don't Tell

2005-08-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

It is important to remember that battering is not only physical abuse, but it is also emotional abuse in that a batterer takes away all of a person's control in life, sinking his emotional hooks deeply into her, and assuring her that it's all her fault. So everything that you want to say to the battered woman, the woman already knows. You don't need to tell it to her all over again! Sure she is confused and struggling to work through some tough emotional decisions but she knows the answers. There's just a lot of emotional baggage there that she has to work through. Just offer to be there to talk about it. Let her ramble, say dumb things, and work through all of her baggage. You shouldn't do more than 10% of the talking! Your job is to look interested and concerned, to nod, and to say "Tell me more." Of course you can also ask leading, thought-provoking questions (ie "Do you think he'll ever change?"). Of that 10% of the talking that you do actually get to do, you need to make sure that 90% of it is in the form of questions. Don't tell her. Ask her.

=^..^= Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!

When you have to get out...

2005-08-10T19:24:00.000-07:00

You must realize that this is not going to be easy! In fact, this is going to hurt a lot! This pain is good though because it lets you know that you're not in a good place. Now, you just need to use this pain to help you realize that you need help to get healthy.

Develop a safety plan! You really need to know what you're going to do if you end up in a problematic situation. This is why it is so important to look at all possible scenarios and develop ways
to get out of each of them as quickly as you possibly can. Don't worry if it's messy! Messy is better than dead!

Here is how...

Take a few minutes to locate the important documents that you need (ie social security card, health insurance cards, if you own a car the title to it, medical records for yourself and your kids, if you can manage it a copy of your latest taxes, etc) and make copies of them. You should then find a safe place to keep these items, in a place that is away from your house, in a place where you can get hold of them quickly.

If you are able to, you should get the credit cards away from him and hide them somewhere he won't be able to find them. This way he won't be able to charge up more bills.

Get a simple cell phone with just the minimal minutes on it so that you have something to use if you get into a dangerous situation. (Remember! Angry men often cut the phone lines to the house, leaving you without any way to call for help.) If you can't get yourself a cell phone, then contact the local women's shelter. Some of them take old cell phones and refurbish them to give to abused women. These phones are collected especially for the women's group by businesses, scout troops, confirmation classes, and others.

Hide an extra set of keys (ie to your car and house) outside of the house. This way, if you need to make a run for it without your purse you'll be prepared.

If possible, you should get yourself a PO Box to which you start sending all of your important mail immediately. That way he can't intercept your mail.

Open up your own checking and savings accounts. While you don't need to put a lot of money in there at first, you should try to find ways to secretly put more money into them.

I encourage you to talk to your local women's shelter! They have many different resources that you can utilize to help you! They, along with advocacy groups in your area, have very valuable information that you can utilize. These groups are there to help you make your plans. They know good lawyers that will help you too. Your lawyer can protect you from numerous things, including all of the junk that your X will try throwing at you. So, in the long run, the cost of a good lawyer will be well worth it, especially if you have kids.

I wish I knew this information before I got out. I wish I had made as many plans as I possibly could have in order to get myself safe. Remember! The most important thing to do is to face your fears. Open your eyes to what you're living with and in. Look at how you're feeling. Look at how he's treating you. Look at what he's saying and/or doing to you. Sure it hurts, but it's better to hurt and deal with the problem than to wait and have it just get worse and possibly wind up dead.

=^..^= Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!

Is the church a friend to survivors of abuse?

2005-08-06T21:13:00.000-07:00

After 6 years, I left an abusive relationship with an X partner (we were NOT married) in October 2004. He had verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abused me since the birth of my daughter in October 2001. He also had abused my daughter physically, as well as in many of the same ways that he'd abused me, since she began crawling. He also neglected her.

After leaving this relationship, I moved in with my parents and began attending church with them. I soon gained custody of my daughter and we prepared for a new life together. Then the courts decided that they were going to give my X partial/joint custody. He would have her 4 days a week while I'd only have her 3 days. The courts began transitioning and preparing my daughter for this, I grew angry with God, questioning why He would allow this to happen. Well, to make a long story short, I once again chose to leave the church. Two of the church's 4 pastors new full well what I'd gone through and what was currently going on and yet not 1 phone call.

I felt as though the church didn't care about me. I began seeing the church as my enemy. I feel as though they condemned me for having not been married because then somehow, magically, I wouldn't have gone through this abuse. Needless to say, I have yet to return to this or any other church. This church had claimed that they wanted to meet people wherever they were at and yet I found that to be a lie. This makes me wonder if any church truly wants to embrace and care for its members. I wonder if any church is truly friendly and caring.

I have found the church to be filled with toxic Christians who shoot the wounded and condemn the victim. Yet, I know that this isn't how it should be. I know that this isn't how God wants His church to behave. I am told this in 3 specific places in the Bible: Romans 15:1-7, Galatians 6:2 ("Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ."), and Colossians 3:12-14. Unfortunately it has been my experience that the church doesn' behave this way though.

The church is filled with imperfect, human people, many of whom have no idea of what it feels like to have been abused. These people don't understand the scale of the pain, and thus it is easy for them to be insensitive enough to brush it aside as a minor inconvenience in a way no fellow survivor would even consider. I encourage you, my fellow church members, to consider your actions and how Christ would look upon them. I believe that you would find yourself agreeing that it is not spiritual to stand in the line of fire when you can walk away. I yearn for the day when I am able to find a church that is able to be my friend. I yearn to find a church that is able to truly forgive and accept me in all my humanness. If you're a member of such a church, praise God! If not, I encourage you to strive to help your church become the type of church that accepts and helps heal survivors of abuse in the same way as Christ Himself would accept and help these survivors to heal.

=^..^= Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!

What is emotional abuse?

2005-08-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

Emotional abuse is when an intimate partner has done any of the following things to you:
(1.) Continually criticizes you, calls you names or shouts at you - My X was great at doing this to me: telling me that I'm sexually inadequate and not a real woman
(2.) Insults or drives away your friends or family - My X separated me from my parents because he thought that my mom was mentally ill
(3.) Humiliates you in private or public
(4.) Keeps you from working, controls your money or makes all the decisions - My X wouldn't let me get a job and wouldn't let me hold onto any of my personal items (ie drivers license and social security card). In fact, the judge had to order him to give them back to me in court.
(5.) Refuses to work or to share money - My X would never go out and get a job even though I wasn't allowed to work either
(6.) Takes car keys or money from you - I would always have to ask my X if I wanted to buy anything for myself and most of the time I wasn't allowed.
(7.) Regularly threatens to leave or tells you to leave - My X use to threaten to take my daughter and disappear.
(8.) Threatens to kidnap the children when angry at you - See #7
(9.) Abuses pets to hurt you
(10.) Manipulates you with lies and contradictions - I'm starting to realize that I never really did know my ex-partner for real

=^..^= Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!

Myths and Facts

2005-07-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

Myth: Victims of domestic violence like to be beaten.
Fact:Victims desperately want the abuse to end. They engage in various survival strategies to protect themselves and their children (ie calling the police and/or seeking help from family members) Another strategy is silence (ie taking a beating to keep the batterer from attacking the children).

Myth: Victims have psychological disorders or they would not take the abuse.
Fact: While some victims do suffer from psychological effects (ie post traumatic stress disorder or depression), it is as a result of being abused.

Myth:Victims never leave their abusers and if they do, they just get involved in another abusive relationship.
Fact:
Most victims try leaving their abusive relationships, often several times, but the abusers often convince the victim to stay through various strategies including: financial control, threats about the children, and promises that the relationship will get better.

Myth: Low self-esteem causes victims to get involved in abusive relationships.
Fact: Victims usually experience a decrease in self-esteem as a result of being abused, since abusers frequently degrade, humiliate, and criticize victims.

Myth: Batterers abuse their partners/spouses because of alcohol or drug abuse.
Fact:While substance abuse may increase the frequency or severity of the violent episodes in some cases, it doesn't cause the abuse.

Myth: Batterers abuse their partners because they are under a lot of stress or unemployed.
Fact:Since domestic violence is found throughout all socioeconomic levels, it cannot be attributed to unemployment or poverty.

Myth: Law enforcement and judicial responses (ie arresting batterers or issuing a civil protection order) are useless.
Fact: The entire criminal justice and civil systems must work together to be effective (ie law enforcement officers make the arrest, prosecutors prosecute the case, and courts enforce orders and impose sanctions).

Myth: Children are not affected by domestic abuse.
Fact: 50-70% of the children, whose parent is domestically abused, are also being physically abused. Children also suffer emotional, behavioral, and developmental impairments as a result of witnessing domestic violence in the home. Some of these children (especially boys) will grow up to repeat the same pattern.

Myth: Domestic violence is irrelevant to parental fitness.
Fact: A history of domestic violence can indicate that the perpetrating parent physically or emotionally abuses the child as well as the other parent. Abusers also frequently use the children as pawns to continue to control the other parent. This use of control undermines the abuser’s ability to parent because the primary concern isn't about the child.

=^..^= Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

What is sexual abuse?

2005-07-23T17:44:00.000-07:00

Please note that there is some descriptive, adult language used in this article that may trigger you emotionally. You're an adult so please use your own best judgment as to whether or not you should read this article.<br>
There are many types of domestic abuse. Here, I will share with you what sexual abuse is and how it has affected my life.

Sexual abuse occurs when...

A partner has minimized the importance of your feelings about sex My X never thought that I should have sex with him 2 or 3 times a day even though I wasn't in the mood or interested.

A partner has criticized you sexually My X use to make me feel inadequate because I couldn't give him the "perfect" oral sex and I wouldn't swallow.

A partner has insisted on unwanted or uncomfortable touching My X would grab me in a sexual matter whenever he felt like it, regardless of whether I welcomed it or found it absolutely annoying.

A partner withholds sex and affection My X didn't know how to be affectionate or intimate without it being sexual.

A partner has forced sex after physical abuse or when you were sick While this wasn't done after physical abuse, my X would force me to have sex with him after verbally abusing me.

A partner has raped you There were times when my X was quite forceful with me, holding me down and having sex with me or forcing my head into certain sexual positions.

Some other ways in which sexual abuse occurs includes a partner being jealously angry, assuming that you would have sex with anyone, and insisting that you dress in a more sexual way than you wanted. Thankfully I haven't experienced these 2 forms of abuse.

Top 10 reasons to call for help

2005-07-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

The first thing that is important to understand is that you canNOT recover from abuse all by yourself! This never works! It only prolongs the time you suffer! Here are the top 10 reasons why you should call your local Women's Crisis Center or Child Abuse Prevention Center and get them involved in your emotional healing process.

(1.) They know the laws in your state.

(2.) They provide counseling and support.

(3.) They've been there so they understand.

(4.) They will ALWAYS believe you!

(5.) They will guard your privacy.

(6.) They work for FREE.

(7.) They know the official, and the unnoficial, ways to make the system work for you.

(8.) They are experts who have tons of resources available.

(9.) They'll help you feel better.

I truly want to encourage you to call them! It will be the best thing you ever did for yourself or your child(ren).

=^..^= Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Effects of domestic violence on infants/toddlers

2005-07-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

This article is of great interest to me since I truly believe that my dear, 3-year-old, daughter would NOT be suffering from RAD if I had left my abuser sooner. Nevertheless, I refuse to dwell on the past. I insist upon both my daughter and my own healing and moving on to much more positive lives. This doesn't mean that I shouldn't be knowledgable of what the effects of domestic have had on my daughter though. These things include: excessive irritability, immature behavior, sleep disturbances, emotional distress, fears of being alone, and regression in toileting and language. This is because exposure to family violence interferes with a child's normal development of trust and exploratory behaviors, which lead to the development of autonomy. My daughter definitely has trust issues, sleep disturbances, emotional destress, she doesn't like leaving my side, and she is having problems with toilet training. Once again, all of these are symptoms of RAD.

=^..^= Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

The effects of domestic violence

2005-07-02T22:43:00.000-07:00

Do you know what the long-term effects of domestic violence are? Well, they include: anxiety, chronic depression, chronic pain, death, dehydration, dissociative states, drug and alcohol dependence, eating disorders, emotional "over-reactions" to stimuli, general emotional numbing, health problems, malnutrition, panic attacks, poor adherence to medical recommendations, poverty, repeated self-injury, self neglect, sexual dysfunction, sleep disorders, somatization disorders, strained family relationships, suicide attempts, and an inability to adequately respond to the needs of their children.

I had many of these when I was being abused by my X. I was depressed, suffered from chronic pain, overate/gorged on food, developed numerous health problems, lived in poverty, neglected myself, wasn't interested in sex, either suffered from insomnia or slept 14 to 16 hours per day, didn't have any relationship with my parents, and wasn't allowed around my dear daughter which has caused her to develop RAD.

It is also true that abused women are at higher risk of miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant deaths. They are also more likely to give birth to low birth weight children which puts the child at risk for neonatal and infant death. If these children do survive, they are more likely to be malnourished and less likely to have been immunized against childhood diseases.

Thankfully, God somehow saved my dear daughter and helped me to make sure that she was properly immunized. Maybe it's because I, like a lot of battered women, took active steps to protect my daughter, even though I didn't leave my partner.

It is also true that mothers who are abused are often depressed or preoccupied with the violence. They are emotionally withdrawn and numb. They are irritable or have feelings of hopelessness. This results in a parent who is less emotionally available to their child, or they become unable to care for their children's basic needs. Many of these women also exhibit aggression toward their child. It is also true that battering fathers are less affectionate, less available, and less rational in dealing with their children.

I was depressed. How couldn't I be when I was being kept away from my daughter while my X was moving his new girlfriend, her husband, and their children into MY house? Luckily I didn't abuse my daughter BUT unfortunately my X did. He was unaffectionate, unavailable, and unrational when dealing with her... to the point that he basically neglected her, hit her upside the head and often told her to get away from him even though he still wouldn't let me be around her.

When children find that they cannot depend upon their parents or caregivers for emotional and practical support their development can be seriously delayed or even permanently distorted. These children often withdraw from relationships and social activities. This then affects their ability to form relationships throughout the rest of their lives.

This is why my daughter has developed RAD, is developmentally delayed, and socially has a difficult time forming relationships with me and with other children too.

Parents who have been traumatized by violence must cope with their own trauma before they are able to help their children. That is why I am in therapy and so is my daughter. Together we are working to recover from the abuse. My hope is for you and your children to also be able to recover.

=^..^= Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Did you know...???

2005-06-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

There is so much that you really should know about domestic violence... besides the fact that it is a serious, widespread social problem in America today. Here are some other facts:

Did you know that there are 960,000+ incidents of domestic violence per year? This means that 3,000,000 women are abused by their partner each year.

Did you know that 1 in every 3 women has been domestically abused during their lifetime?

Did you know that nearly one-third of American women (31%) report being abused by a partner at some point in their lives?

Did you know that nearly 25% of American women report being domestically abused?

Did you know that 30% of Americans say they know a woman who has been domestically abused in the past year?

Did you know that 588,490+ American women were victims of nonfatal violence committed by an intimate partner?

Did you know that while women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner? In fact, intimate partner violence makes up 20% of violent crime against women.

Did you know that 324,000+ women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy?

Did you know that women of all races are equally vulnerable to domestic violence?

Did you know that male violence against women does much more damage than female violence against men? Women are much more likely to be injured than men.

Did you know that women are 7 to 14 times more likely than men to report suffering severe physical assaults from domestic violence?

Did you know that more than 3 women are murdered by their partners every day?

Did you know that women are much more likely than men to be killed by their partner?

Did you know that pregnant, and recently pregnant, women are more likely to be victims of homicide than to die of any other cause?

Did you know that injury related deaths, including homicide and suicide, account for approximately one-third of all maternal mortality cases? Homicide is the leading cause of death overall for pregnant women

Did you know that the health-related costs of rape, physical assault, stalking and homicide committed by intimate partners exceed $5.8 billion each year? Nearly $4.1 billion of that amount is for direct medical and mental health care services, and nearly $1.8 billion is for the indirect costs of lost productivity or wages.

Did you know that about half of all female victims of intimate violence report an injury of some type? Yet, only about 20% of them seek medical assistance.

Did you know that 37% of women who sought treatment in emergency rooms for violence-related injuries were domestic related?

Did you know that 50% of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children?

Did you know that more than half of female victims of intimate violence live in households with children under the age of 12?

Did you know that 3,000,000+ children witness some form of domestic violence annually?

Did you know that 3 in 4 women (76%) who reported that they'd been raped and/or physically said that they were raped by their domestic partner?

Did you know that 1 in 5 (21%) women reported she had been raped or physically or sexually assaulted in her lifetime?

Did you know that rapes/sexual assaults committed by strangers are more likely to be reported to the police than rapes/sexual assaults committed by "nonstrangers" or intimate partners? In fact, only 24% of these rapes/sexual assaults are actually reported to the police.

=^..^= Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Welcome!

2005-06-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Surviving Domestic Violence! This is the latest site in my health and wellness network. Like the rest of the sites in this network, this one is also filled with my personal experience. I think that is the best way to share info: from personal experience. You see, I am the survivor of 6 years of domestic violence. If I can survive it and find my way out, so can you! I'm here not only to share information with you but to encourage you to get out... move on... get healthy! You really CAN do it!!!