Saturday, September 24, 2005

Examples of boundaries & their importance

Here are some examples of boundaries which you may wish to invest in:

(1.) "If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid, jerk, dumb, etc, I will confront your behavior and share my feelings with you. If you continue to call me names, I will take care of myself by leaving the room (or situation)."

(2.) "If you drink alcohol or use drugs in my presence, I will
confront the behavior and share my feelings with you. If you continue to use drugs or alcohol in my presence, then I will take care of myself by leaving or asking you to leave.

As you can see here, boundaries are proactive. However, they MUST be planned out before they are ever needed. This is a part of taking responsibility for yourself as an adult, and a part of saying "no" to those things which are no right for us. This is just a natural part of taking care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or whom we're with. They emerge from a deep sense of our personal rights, especially the right to be ourselves and take care of ourselves. You will learn more about your boundaries as you learn to listen to your own intuition, discover what you believe, learn what you want, need, like and dislike. This is also a matter of deciding about what you believe you deserve and don't deserve.

=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
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At 6:18 AM, Blogger carol said...

i have only looked quickly at the article on boundaries but can see that it is an invaluable tool for survivors of domestic violence. my daughter who is a child survivor of domestic violence is working on this area at the moment and so i am glad to have found such a useful piece of writing to forward on to her. (she is 25) please continue to impart lessons you have learned through your painful experiences,
thank you
fellow survivor

At 6:01 AM, Blogger onein3 said...

We are a group of friends that know and worked with a young woman named Joy Loftin while she was employed at the Vanderbilt YMCA here in New York City. During the length of her employment, several extremely disturbing incidents occurred that cause us to be concerned and call into question the motives and the integrity of Shan Colorado Finnerty, Hortensia Colorado, and Elvira Colorado.

On several occasions, Joy came to work with visible bruises on her neck and arms. She eventually explained to us that Shan had punched, beaten, and choked her and she asked us for help. As wardens for the community, we tried to place Joy in women’s shelters around the city in an effort to mitigate the abuse. However, at the urging of Shan’s mother and aunt, Hortensia and Elvira, she returned to their apartment and refused to press criminal charges against Shan Colorado Finnerty. The abuse continued and one day, she came to work very early, visibly distressed and crying, with more bruises and abrasions. She said that Shan had verbally abused and beaten her once again; that she wanted to return to California, and that she was going to quit her job and reunite with her family. She tendered her resignation later that week. Out of concern for her safety and in an effort to find out what happened to her, we requested an officer from the domestic violence unit of the 5th Precinct conduct a welfare check at their home on Kenmare Street. However the officer was unable to find anyone at the apartment, and therefore could not verify that Joy was safe. We realize that she is suffering from battered women’s syndrome and may be unable to help herself due to the isolationist environment that the Colorados have formed around her. Abusive men are often enabled by their family, while the victim is persuaded to believe the abuse is her fault, and the pattern of emotional and physical trauma continues. Taking into consideration what has happened to Joy Loftin, it is especially deceitful that their display "Altar: El Llanto De La Resistancia" at the American Indian Community House was in part dedicated to victims of domestic violence.

In light of these events, we are dismayed, disappointed, and outraged to know that members of the American Indian Community would commit, condone, and perpetuate domestic abuse and violence, while simultaneously conducting workshops, writing and performing plays, and displaying works and art that would have the public and those who support them believe otherwise. It is a vulgar and offensive misrepresentation of American Indian Culture, and further support of Coatlicue Theater, Hortensia Colorado, Elvira Colorado, Shan Colorado Finnerty and their work is tantamount to supporting domestic abuse and violence. Considering their duplicitous behavior, having them represent American Indian Culture is an insult to the dignity of American Indians and an affront to human beings.

We therefore will not attend nor support any Coatlicue Theater productions or events where they will be featured. We will be encouraging others that might consider attending, participating, or funding them to do the same. Our actions are warranted, and to be associated with the aforementioned individuals and Coatlicue Theater would be equivalent to enabling and contributing to such offensive behaviour. We are urging everyone to reevaluate their support of Coatlicue Theatre and the Colorados, and question the individuals concerned. Until the responsible individuals are held accountable and measures are taken to verify that the abuse is no longer occurring, we will continue with our boycott of Coatlicue Theatre and we will strongly urge others to do the same.

At 9:58 AM, Blogger Bianca Allen said...

Domestic Abuse

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Would you like to tell your story in a book?

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If so please contact me

Send me a photo and your contact information!

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Psychology & Law said...


At 8:43 PM, Blogger said...

Hello. I love what you are doing to raise awareness of domestic violence! I recently wrote and published a book, Unexpected Places, sharing my own experiences in growing up in a home with domestic violence. You can learn more about my story at My site also includes videos to raise awareness as well as reviews and excerpts from the book. Help me raise awareness by liking my page also at God bless you as you continue to provide a much needed light in the lives of many!

Dionna Latimer-Hearn.


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