Saturday, September 24, 2005

Examples of boundaries & their importance

Here are some examples of boundaries which you may wish to invest in:

(1.) "If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid, jerk, dumb, etc, I will confront your behavior and share my feelings with you. If you continue to call me names, I will take care of myself by leaving the room (or situation)."

(2.) "If you drink alcohol or use drugs in my presence, I will
confront the behavior and share my feelings with you. If you continue to use drugs or alcohol in my presence, then I will take care of myself by leaving or asking you to leave.

As you can see here, boundaries are proactive. However, they MUST be planned out before they are ever needed. This is a part of taking responsibility for yourself as an adult, and a part of saying "no" to those things which are no right for us. This is just a natural part of taking care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or whom we're with. They emerge from a deep sense of our personal rights, especially the right to be ourselves and take care of ourselves. You will learn more about your boundaries as you learn to listen to your own intuition, discover what you believe, learn what you want, need, like and dislike. This is also a matter of deciding about what you believe you deserve and don't deserve.


=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)


Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Setting boundaries

Setting boundaries for yourself shows that you have enough respect for yourself to protect yourself from inappropriate behavior. Here are some guidelines to help you set boundaries for yourself:

(1.) You must first realize that the purpose of setting a boundary is to take care of you, to gain a sense of self, supply order, and allow feelings, thoughts and actions that are healthy. You have to be able to tell other people when they're acting in ways that are not acceptable to you.

(2.) When you have a sense of self, you'll be able to experience closeness and intimacy. You'll be able to love and to be loved in a healthy way. You'll respect and love yourself.

(3.) You MUST set limits that you can live with and consequences that you are willing to enforce.

(4.) You are not to set boundaries in order to manipulate others. Boundaries are not about power. They're about safety and self-respect.

(5.) There are many alternatives and options in setting boundaries. For instance, some boundaries may be more rigid than others.

(6.) You may be afraid to set boundaries to take care of yourself because you may fear abandonment. In this case you should really seek professional help.

With this being said, it is important to understand that boundaries should be: specific, reasonable, personal, enforceable, natural, and logical. This means that there should be NO: threatening, bluffing, violence, shouting, judging, or moralizing. Some of the types of boundaries that you'll need to create are physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual.


=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)


Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Affirmations on some basic rights

Here are some basic affirmations that you should be repeating to yourself.

Nobody has the right to know my mind.
Nobody has the right to know my business.
Nobody has the right to tell me what to think, feel or do.
I have the right to have my own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs.
What I share with others about matters that concern me is determined by what feels right to me, not what they want.
If people are abusive or disrespectful to me, I have a right to tell them so, to ask them to stop and to avoid them.
I don't have to be nice to people who are not nice to me.
I have a need and right to love and respect myself.
I have a need and right to stand up for myself.
I always have a right to express what I feel and think for myself, as long, as I don't try to tell others what is right for them.
I have a right to be who I am and to harmlessly live my own life regardless of whether others like it or not.
I don't have to feel guilty for not behaving, as others might want me to.
I don't have to feel guilty for not giving others what they expect from me.
I accept myself just as I am in the moment with whatever thoughts and feelings I have.
I accept my right to make mistakes. (If I didn't make mistakes I couldn't learn and grow.)
I accept my right to my imperfection and shortcomings and don't feel guilty for not being perfect.
I believe that I should treated others with love and respect. I should also expect others to treat me this way as well.
I believe that if I'm true to myself, and live by the highest truth that I know, things will turn out for the best in the long run.


=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)


Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Do you think that you're in an abusive relationship?

Are you not sure? Then here are some descriptions to help you decide for yourself.

First of all, it's important to understand that abusers typically think that they're so unique that they don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Nevertheless, abusers have a lot in common with one another and share a great many thinking patterns and behaviors with each other. These may include:

Excuse Making: Instead of accepting responsibility for their actions, the abuser tries to justify their behavior with excuses.

Blaming: The abuser shifts responsibility for their actions to others. This allows the abuser to be angry at the other person for "causing" the behavior.

Redefining: The abuser redefines the situation so that the problem lies not with the abuser but with others.

Success Fantasies: The abuser believes that they'd be rich, famous, or extremely successful if others weren't holding him back.

Lying: The abuser manipulates by lying to control information. The abuser may also use lying to keep other people, including the victim, off-balance psychologically.

Assuming: Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling.

Above The Rules: Abusers generally believe that they're better than other people and so they don't have to follow the same rules that ordinary people do.

Making Fools Of Others: The abuser combines tactics such as lying, upsetting the other person just to watch her reactions, and provoking a fight between or among others just to manipulate others. The abuser may also try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a great deal of interest in and concern for that person in order to get on her good side.

Fragmentation: The abuser usually keeps the abusive behavior physically and psychologically separate from the rest of his life (only beating up people in his home and attending church where he looks gooe).

Minimizing: The abuser ducks responsibility for abusive actions by trying to make them seem less important than they really are.

Vagueness: Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility.

Anger: Abusive people aren't actually angrier than other people, they simply deliberately use their anger to control situations and people.

Power Plays: The abuser uses various tactics to overcome resistance to his bullying (ie walking out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouting).

Playing Victim: Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him.

Drama And Excitement: Abusive people have trouble experiencing close, satisfying relationships and so they substitute drama and excitement for closeness. This is because they find it exciting to watch others become angry, get into fights, or fall into a general uproar. They'll use a combination of tactics described earlier to set up and exciting situation.

Closed Channel: The abusive person doesn't really share their personal details and real feelings. They are also not open to new information about himself since he believes that he's right in all situations.

Ownership: The abuser typically is very possessive and believes that anything that is wanted should be owned, and once he owns it that he can do whatever he wants with it.

Self-Glorification: The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very virile. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit this glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.

Poor Anger Management: Individuals who have experienced a violent and abusive childhood are more likely to grow up and become domestic abusers because he sees violence as the primary method for settling differences and doesn't know any alternate ways to channel his anger.

Inability To Express Feelings With Words: This type of person is rarely capable of true intimacy and may even feel very threatened by the prospect of being open and vulnerable.

Emotional Dependence: Abusive individuals are usually very emotionally dependent on their spouse which causes them to have an inner rage. In order to compensate for this anger, the abuser acts in controlling ways to exert power and to deny their own weakness. One major symptom is strong jealousy and possessive actions, normally sexual in nature. The abuser will spend a great deal of time monitoring their spouses activities and will lack supportive relationships. Oftentimes when the victim leaves the home, the abuser will make extraordinary attempts to persuade them to return.

Low Self-Esteem resulting in jealousy, depression and sensitivity to criticism.

Rigid Application Of Traditional Sex Attitudes: Abusive husbands often expect their wife to over fulfill all of the household and mothering chores and to be very submissive and subservient.

Alcohol And Drug Dependency: 67% of abusers frequently use alcohol and/or drugs in order to avoid responsibility for their actions.

Social Isolation: Those who isolate themselves from family, friends and people in the community don't have the resources to cope with the stress.

Protected From Consequences: A spouse will oftentimes protect the abuser from consequences when in reality the best thing to do is allow the abuser to learn that actions have consequences.

Pride Combined With Power: Pride + Power = Genuinely volatile results. This is because pride makes us think that we're right, and power gives us the ability to cram our vision of rightness down everyone else's throat. Combined, it is easy to reach the brink of demonic.


=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)


Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!

Survive Domestic Abuse WebRing
There Is NO Excuse
For Domestic Violence!

This site owned by
INSERT YOUR NAME HERE
?
SiteRing by Bravenet.com