What is domestic violence?

When domestic violence involves children, it can either be direct and intentional or indirect and accidental. If it is direct and intentional then it is considered to be a deliberate and willful act that has been carried out with the purpose of injuring the child. If it is indirect and accidental then the damage results when a child lives with family violence. In this case, the youth is not the target of the violence, but must live with the pain and suffering which results from such experiences. This is why the terms “domestic violence” and “family violence” are interchangeable.


=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
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"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Statistics from The National Crime Survey (conducted by the Department of Justice)

This study has reported that: (1.) There are about 1.5 million cases of domestic violence involving children reported each year. (2.) There are another million unreported cases each year. (3.) Each year, between 2,000 - 5,000 children die each year because of domestic violence. (4.) Domestic violence involving children is more than doubling every decade. Of course, some of this huge growth can be attributed to increased reporting and better record keeping. Nevertheless, domestic violence against children is reaching epidemic proportions.

It is important to understand that these statistics only include those incidents in which children were the "direct" target of domestic violence. There are millions of other young people who endure the "indirect" results of family violence. Due to these experiences, these children can suffer from anxiety, depression, guilt and fear. These feelings can follow the child throughout his or her life and the effects can be devastating. For instance, many of these young people go on to commit domestic violence when they become parents.


=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
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"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

How to maintain your personal boundaries

You need to ask directly for what you want as this shows others who you are.
You need to nurture yourself and your moral soundness (integrity) so that you create an inner, instinctive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become
hurtful, abusive or invasive.
You need to be objective about others' behavior toward you without getting caught in their drama.
You need to have a limit to how many times you allow someone to say no, lie, disappoint, or betray you before you will admit the painful reality and move on.
You need to stop completely trusting others and start to completely trust yourself. You cannot expect infallibility from another human being. Nevertheless, you still need to learn to have satisfying intimacy with other human beings.


=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
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"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Signs of unhealthy boundaries

(1.) Telling all.
(2.) Speaking at an intimate level upon your first encounter with someone.
(3.) Falling in love with anyone who reaches out to you.
(4.) Being overwhelmed or preoccupied with a person.
(5.) cting upon your first sexual impulse.
(6.) Being sexual because your partner wants you to be, not because you want to be.
(7.) Going against your own personal values in order to please others.
(8.) Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate behavior or invades your personal boundaries.
(9.) Accepting food, gifts, touching, or sexual acts that you don't want.
(10.) Touching someone else intimately without them asking for it.
(11.) Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting.
(12.) Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving.
(13.) Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you.
(14.) Letting others direct your life.
(15.) Letting others define who you are.
(16.) Believing that others can anticipate your needs.
(17.) Expecting others to automatically fill your needs.
(18.) Falling apart so that someone will take care of you.
(19.) Abusing yourself sexually, physically, or through food, chemicals or gambling.


=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
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E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Healthy Boundaries

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries for you to create for yourself.

I will place specific conditions upon my willingness to enter into or remain in any relationship. I do this for my protection and for the benefit of the other person.

I would rather be alone than in a relationship, which undermines my good feelings about myself.

I will not love someone who is unable to love me in return.

I will not make, or accept, excuses for anyone in consideration of my real needs.

I will not give love to someone who has no love for themselves.

I accept, without any exceptions, that I am worthy to give and receive love, respect, and acceptance.

I have love and respect for myself regardless of what anyone else says about me.

I do not need everyone to love, accept, and respect me. While it would be nice if they did, regardless of their feelings, I will still have self-love and self-respect.

I accept that both my positive, and my negative, feelings are real and need honest, healthy expression.

I am responsible for the expression of my feelings.

I trust my feelings and have the ability to act upon them in an adult manner.

I will not enter into relationships that do not meet my healthy needs.

I will not expect others to be aware of my needs. Instead, I will accept the responsibility to communicate my needs to others.

I am willing to accept the consequences of my actions.

I will not lay blame for my own shortcomings upon another person.

I accept the fact that my feelings are one-sided and thus I'm also willing to accept the fact that you have the right to reject me for you own reasons.

I am willing to listen to your opinions of me, but I will not allow a lifetime of effort to build myself into a healthy person to be invalidated by your opinions.


=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)

Tips for setting boundaries

Your feelings of anger, rage, complaining, whining, and feeling threatened, "suffocated" or victimized serve as clues to boundaries which you will need to set. Whenever you see these clues, you should realize that you need to set a boundary or limit with someone. Whenever this is necessary, make sure that you set your boundaries clearly, without anger and in as few words as possible. You must realize that you may hurt, anger or disappoint the other person BUT you simply cannot simultaneously set a limit with someone and take care of their feelings too. Of course this may cause you to feel shame or fear but you really must be prepared to follow through by acting according to the boundaries that you have set. You WILL be tested! That is why it is so important to have a good support system for yourself. All of this is going to take you some time, but when you're truly ready, you'll set the boundaries that you need for your life. Once you do it, you'll see how truly good it honestly feels though.



=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)


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Examples of boundaries & their importance

Here are some examples of boundaries which you may wish to invest in:

(1.) "If you verbally abuse me by calling me names like stupid, jerk, dumb, etc, I will confront your behavior and share my feelings with you. If you continue to call me names, I will take care of myself by leaving the room (or situation)."

(2.) "If you drink alcohol or use drugs in my presence, I will
confront the behavior and share my feelings with you. If you continue to use drugs or alcohol in my presence, then I will take care of myself by leaving or asking you to leave.

As you can see here, boundaries are proactive. However, they MUST be planned out before they are ever needed. This is a part of taking responsibility for yourself as an adult, and a part of saying "no" to those things which are no right for us. This is just a natural part of taking care of ourselves, no matter what happens, where we go or whom we're with. They emerge from a deep sense of our personal rights, especially the right to be ourselves and take care of ourselves. You will learn more about your boundaries as you learn to listen to your own intuition, discover what you believe, learn what you want, need, like and dislike. This is also a matter of deciding about what you believe you deserve and don't deserve.


=^..^= Reverend Brenda Hoffman
Independent Executive
Discover a way to increase your health and/or income!
E-mail me for more info!
"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars." - Les Brown (American Songwriter, 1912-2001)


Click here to join in on the conversation at our forum!